A pirate at the local bar discusses his past
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
In record time
Joe walks into the living room and sees Lucy whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter?" Joe asked.
"Nothing at all. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" Lucy beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party.
As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage.
As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."